True Stories: Eight women on how it's like to be a single mom
March is National Women’s Month! To mark this special occasion, we’re sharing stories of an extra special kind. Anyone would agree that motherhood is no walk in the park. The task of raising another human being is a serious responsibility, and it admittedly becomes even more of a challenge when a woman has to do it on her own. Whether they’re single, separated, or widowed, single motherhood is a remarkable experience that’s worth honoring and drawing inspiration from.
Nikki Quilicot, businesswoman, 28
One thing that I’ve learned to appreciate and really enjoy about motherhood are the magic moments: when you feel the proudest of your child; when you feel most deeply and intimately connected; or even when you see him/her with the hugest smile on their face and happiness emanating from their being. As a mom, I’ve learned to love these little moments of joy, contentment, and peace. It’s hard to explain but when you see glimpses of a smart, funny, virtuous individual in your kid, the sacrifices and the trials you had to go through raising this person becomes worth it.
I’ve also learned to appreciate and enjoy community. Though we’ve been labeled as single moms, we’re never truly alone. I’ve learned to reach out to others and ask for help, both from family and friends. Because of that network and exchange of generosity and love, I’ve developed a kinship with others that can be even better than what a singular man can offer.
There are lots of single mother challenges – there’s loneliness and longing for companionship, the struggle of providing for yourself and your child’s needs (both time and money), trying to be enough, finding a good father figure for your child, uncertainty about whether I’m raising my child correctly, and more.
One thing I really struggled with (and perhaps still do until now) is the social stigma. Single mothers have this reputation of being easy, slutty manhunters (or manhaters) and it’s quite hard to be taken seriously, both in the aspects of love and career. Single moms are single for a reason, and more often than not, the cause is a lot nobler than what others think. It’s actually kind of funny because a lot of single moms I know have higher standards, and try to not settle for less because it’s no longer just for themselves but also for their children. If single moms were to be stereotyped, it really should be as strong, uncompromising women and not the other way around!
There are TONS of lessons I learned as I raised a kid “unreadily” by myself – I had to learn to swallow my pride, to love unceasingly and unconditionally, to never give up even when things seem hopeless. But one thing I had to really learn was to forgive myself and know that things will be okay. When I didn’t know how to comfort my child when he was crying, when I had an outburst because my kid got annoying, when I failed and things got hard, when I felt helpless and didn’t know what to do – I learned that things will never be perfect, I will never be perfect, but that’s okay.
The second lesson I’m currently trying to process is that, in the midst of the bittersweet journey that is raising my child, I’ve also come to realize that he is not my own – he is his own person who will eventually grow up, leave home, and tread his own life and journey. The eventuality of this fact has got me thinking that really, nothing in our life is our own and that both our life and the people who come into our lives are things that we are entrusted with to nurture, to love, and eventually, to let go. In these two hard circumstances of uncertainty, I’ve learned to trust in the Lord, to lean not on my own understanding, to manage the things I can control, to let go of the things I cannot, and to just enjoy the seasons of life.
Belle Maestro, public relations, 32
I would like to believe that I married and had my son out of love. But my son's father and I - we were young and straight out of college - we did not go through the best of both worlds of adulthood and parenthood. Eventually, we simply grew apart.
Deciding to be a single parent is undoubtedly and unarguably the most unnerving yet liberating thing I have ever done. I had just moved to Manila with practically nothing to my name. I was too proud to ask for help from anyone and too stubborn to go back home in the province. I was struggling to find a life for myself as a fresh grad in a big city but I had a living, breathing human being who was completely dependent on me for survival. Knowing I had to do both at the same time is the most sobering wake-up call one could ever have. At 21, I was at a loss. Life didn't come with a manual and as much as I wanted to whine, cry, and have a meltdown - I simply didn't have the time. It was then that I understood the kind of person I needed to be to rise above the challenge.
The learning process is continuous but perhaps this is what I would like to share with other single parents out there: it is entirely up to us. Who we are, who we need to be, who we want to be is not dependent on anything but our own will to do so.
I've always been a firm believer that happiness comes from within, and for me, that comes from living consciously. It's a lifestyle decision and a discipline I continue to work on everyday, since becoming a single mother. I am an active participant in the world I live in and I make deliberate choices based on personal core values that are aligned with goals I've set for myself. I have also stopped seeking external fulfilment such as love, acceptance, acknowledgement from other people. When you believe you need certain things to be more happy, you are setting a path that sees no end. In living humbly, we slowly learn to let go of things beyond our control and instead live in the present bliss.
Earth Rullan, blogger, 39
The best thing about motherhood is waking up and sleeping with someone who loves you unconditionally! More than the financial aspect, the greatest challenge is having to do everything by yourself, with no partner to share your trouble and joys. Not having someone to share all the good and the bad of being a parent of a child with autism is hard, but I’ve learned that family will always be your strength and that I should always be strong for my daughter. I’ve also discovered that I have a patience of a saint for my family but I don’t take no shit from anyone else.
Bea Bianca Cañete, social media analyst, 25
Being a single mom is a very challenging job but it also has its joys, especially when you know that you are the first and the most significant person in your child’s life. From the moment I first held him in my arms, I knew that my life would never be the same again. I had to learn how to change diapers and even how to make him burp after finishing a bottle of milk. Everything I experienced with him was a “first time” and I really had a difficult time adjusting! But the most challenging part is when he gets sick because I have to be focused and calm while my heart is pumping really fast and I have no idea what to do.
As a mom, all his milestones make me so proud of him. I often wonder what I did to deserve having this little angel in my life. From the time he called me mommy, the first time he walked his little steps, to being an achiever in school, it has given me an unexplainable fulfillment. Watching him grow and being with him all throughout is both an adventure and a blessing.
My son has taught me to be the best version of myself. I am not really a patient person but everything changed when Rex Paris Miguel came to my life. I became more understanding, kinder, and selfless. Before I only shop for myself but now I will always put my son’s needs first.
Kaycee Enerva, blogger, 29
I really enjoy watching my child develop and grow, although there are times I wish he could stay a baby forever. It's nice to have someone to snuggle with and care for! The greatest challenge for me is juggling work and being a mom. We don't have a yaya so it's difficult to work while also looking after my son full-time. I seldom go to events as I prioritize being a mom over going out. I can say that I learned how to love unconditionally when I became a mom. I'm willing to sacrifice anything for his welfare. It's a life-changing experience. When I was on my own, I didn't care at all what would happen to me but with him in my life, his needs come first.
Lorraine Ledesma, freelance emcee and tutor, 27
I was young, wild, and rebellious in an attempt to prove that I am free. In my short-sightedness for pleasure and need for acknowledgement, I did everything that I thought was liberating and rewarding. With my aim to prove myself right, I disregarded my parents' training and even wisdom from church. I got myself involved in intimate relationships and found myself expecting a child.
Being a mother and content with what God has allowed for us to have is not easy breezy. We live in a world of pretty pictures and they're often unrealistic. Being a single mom means providing love and other needs for your child without dwelling on the pressure of this world or manipulating relationships to build a "family" picture. Being a single mom and being happy regardless of what we have or don't have is the greatest challenge.
The most important lesson I learned is that life is beyond my control but I am accountable for I do. Years ago I believed that I control my own destiny and be anything I want to be as long as my heart desires. It's a sad look at a wonderful reality. I learned (and I'm still learning) that God's sovereign righteousness is real. There will be consequences to our choices, people will be affected, and even to the best of our abilities, we cannot manipulate our own lives according to our dream picture. I learned that the wonderful thing about being alive is seeing God work through our failures, and receiving God's grace for us to stand up again and, this time, walk in His ways. It's been almost seven years of being with the Lord Jesus and I can't thank Him enough for trading my shame and sorrow as a single woman for the joy I have today as a mom.
Happiness is a choice. When I received the Lord Jesus as my Savior and Master, everything else followed, including the gift of joy He always gives. Growing in the knowledge of how sinful I was (and still can be), how God overcomes, and how He has the best plans, I have learned to be happy in the easy and the hard. The love of the Lord Jesus that brought forgiveness and hope in my life is the joy that enables me to choose to be happy even when the world looks dim. Faith is trusting without seeing (yet).
Jo Legaspi, educator
When I got pregnant, I decided I didn’t want my son’s father in the picture. He had psychiatric issues and I didn’t want my son growing up in that environment. Fortunately, my family has been so supportive but I didn’t want to task them to pay for my son’s everyday needs. Providing for my son’s milk, diapers, and his yaya’s salary was difficult. On a teacher’s salary, ubos yan! I even had to delay some of his shots because I really couldn’t pay for it, nor did I want my mom to take on the expense. I had to take extra tutoring jobs during his early years and would often be home late. I’d play with my son for 30 minutes then his yaya would put him to bed. I even used to joke that his yaya was his mom.
Being a mother, I learned that you have to sacrifice and give up some things so you can provide for your child. You need to differentiate between a need and a want so it’s important to surround yourself with supportive people to cheer you on! My family and friends supported me from day one, when I said that I was going to raise my son on my own and that my ex wasn’t going to be part of our lives. They told me that my situation may not be ideal but it was and is okay.
Having family surround me helped so much. While I did go through postpartum blues, I was able to rise above it. After having my son, I went back to work and back to my usual routine. I didn’t have time to re-examine my life and say, “Am I happy?” or “Am I sad?” Some of my friends mention having a Johnson’s moment: that feeling of being completely in love with your baby, just like in commercials. I’ve never had it but that doesn’t make me less of a mom. I did what I had to do, with my family helping me out. So I think I’m doing good, and I’m pretty happy where I am and where my son and I are.
Belen Ngwe, risk management
I was widowed at 30 with two very young kids to care for. Raising kids solo was an immense responsibility! I was always second guessing decisions I made: where to live, where to send them to, what is a reasonable curfew, stuff like that. It is almost laughable now but when they were growing up, it was really a big deal. The greatest lesson I learned was not to indulge in self-pity and to just forge ahead. I am a better and stronger person today because of this experience.
My life is all about my children. Seeing them grow up to become independent and responsible individuals has been very rewarding.
We salute all the single mothers out there who have sacrificed so much out of love for their children. Hats off to you!
