The Sex Talk: When is the right time to give up your virginity?
From talking about daring to go makeup-free or donning it full-on, to sexual harassment and consent, the female body seems to be the hot topic of discussion these days. Even though it has exposed the backward and sometimes twisted views of some people, I think it’s high time that we stopped whispering about our bodies as though they were something to be ashamed about!
Here at Project Vanity, we’ve started a series called The Sex Talk to educate women about what they need to know about their bodies to help them make healthy decisions. We talk to medical experts who provide accurate and factually-grounded information but there are some things that science doesn’t quite have an answer for.
Today, the PV team weighs on what we think is the best time for to have your first time, which, like it or not, is a huge deal for many women. There are no right or wrong answers here; we only hope that what we have to share will help others make the best decision for them.
Liz: Age, for me, isn't as important as preparedness when it comes to the first time. Different women (and men) have different pre-conditions, but never mind all of that - at the very least, one should know how sex actually works and how to deal with its side effects, like disease or pregnancy. It's not romantic, I know, but it helps to research first and talk to someone you trust before your first ever sexy time.
I think it's also important to understand that sex isn't intrinsically bad - it's ideally a healthy expression of your affection for someone you care about. Do it when you're mature enough to understand that, enough not to harbor feelings of guilt or worthlessness. Sex is something you do, and it doesn't necessarily define your value.
Den: I think the way our culture puts such an emphasis on virginity weighs very heavily on women, so that having sex for the first time becomes memorable even when the act itself isn’t all that pleasurable. At least emotionally, I think women do prepare themselves for it whether consciously or not. If you find yourself with a partner that you are sexually (and not just romantically) attracted to, best to start educating yourself about how to do it safely and consider bringing a condom or two. Sounds weird but that way, when the opportunity presents itself, you can make it “the right time” because you’re prepared. Don’t just rely on your partner; be proactive for your own safety.
Kim: Kapag walang tao. Kidding aside, I think it's more of deciding on the right person than just the right time. Unless I know and trust a partner well enough to co-parent a child, I'd prefer to keep my legs closed. Sex isn't equal babies, of course, but it's an intimate experience that I would not want to share with someone I can't see as a potential life partner.
Crystal: It would be really romantic to talk about doing it with the right person, waiting until marriage, etc. but I believe that monogamy isn't for everyone, especially among young adults. More importantly, it's about being emotionally and mentally ready. Being mentally ready involves having a clear idea of what doing the deed actually entails - what are the risks involved like pregnancy and STDs, and being responsible enough to protect yourself. Also just as important is being emotionally ready. One should do it because she really wants to, not to crave attention or because he/she is being manipulated or pressured into it.
Gett: It's not so much about the right time but more of if you and your partner are both ready for it. You both have to educate yourselves on the consequences that sex can bring (i.e. pregnancy, STDs), and to know how you can protect yourselves from these risks. You also have to be mature enough to communicate with the other on your needs and expectations.
Claire: Moral and religious beliefs aside, both men and women should engage in sexual activities only when they're ready for its possible consequences - physically, emotionally, and mentally. Women always have more to consider; both sexes are at risk to STDs but only women have to worry about getting pregnant. It's just the way the human reproductive system works! And of course, mutual consent should be present always.
Angela: I agree with Kim's answer. It's best when you know that you are with the person you want to spend your life with and when that person wants the same thing. I know a lot of people have different opinions on this topic and I respect whatever they may be. But for me, the right thing to do is consider first if you both want to do it already and take into account both your own values, faith, health, readiness, and maturity. Then you can decide when the right time is.
Stacie: I asked my mom and Mama Chan said, “At night!” The right time will be when both parties knows their responsibilities. I'm not just talking about heterosexual relationships here; responsibility is not limited to pregnancy and STD. Concerns on emotional and mental health matters just as much or even more than the physical consequences one faces before, during and after sex.
I guess the right time is also when you know you're ready to face the sneers of the conservative, something that I believe hinders our society from accepting a more liberal state of mind. Personally, I would rather wait until marriage. I currently don't have any dating experience and am not planning on having one anytime soon. I have other things up my priority list!
Marielle: When both parties fully understand the massive responsibility it entails, then they can go ahead and do the deed. That encompasses the risk of unplanned pregnancy, disease prevention, and the like. Dapat kayang panindigan. If you and your partner are faced with difficult decisions and awkward announcements, can you both handle it together? Or is there someone who will flake?
And here's some food for thought: As it is, there are already a lot of adults who are iffy about commitment. What more for young adults who are not hardwired to commit at that age? It's a time for finding yourself, not limited to who you should be (sleeping) with. It sounds like a cliche, but it's best to enjoy that time and be assured that there will be plenty of sex to come—pun intended—when you're finally ready for it.
Katsy: I honestly believe that the right time to sleep with somebody is when both parties are fully aware of the consequences and potential changes that the action may yield. That whatever happens, they are ready to face it. Whether they grow closer, or farther apart from doing the deed, both have to be physically, mentally, and emotionally strong and prepared to survive as sleeping with anyone sort of stays with you for the rest of your life.
Charlie: I think the “right time” is relative to the point when both people are ready—whether that’s emotionally, physically, or mentally. I agree with Katsy. Sleeping with somebody is going to trigger life changes or blur lines in both the parties’ lives, or chances are, maybe it even won’t. But if consequences do happen and if they’re truly ready to face that after they do it, then maybe that’s the right time.
When do you think is the right time to have sex? How do you think should women prepare for it? Let's keep the discussion friendly!