Letter From The Editor: Confidence is not a switch you can just turn on
Are you feeling demotivated and less confident these days? You’re not alone. I think some of it has to do with how everything felt so normal in December - there were gatherings with family and friends, and we felt like our old self again - but January dashed that feeling on the rocks. Many got sick and isolated at home, and the outside world felt like we’re in the first couple of months of the pandemic. Again, like a bad B-movie on loop. Anyone would be wrecked; I know I am.
These days, I feel a lot less confident about who I am and my place in the world. I’ve created my identity based on my achievements in the past and how good I am at what I do. But now that the world is stopping, even temporarily, I’ve lost my confidence. All I want to do is watch Netflix, eat snacks, and procrastinate. I feel bad about myself and guilty for being less productive than usual. I’m certain that there are worse situations out there, which of course adds to the guilt. I’m privileged and quite lucky not to catch COVID this round (I got COVID in September, at the height of the Delta variant). I know. And yet.
So I decided to schedule a session with my therapist. I do this when I feel like I need more direction and structure with the way I process my feelings, when my (and my husband’s) pep talks no longer work. My therapist said something that stuck with me that I’d like to share with you guys.
It’s this: confidence is not a switch you can just turn on. We think we can just tell ourself to be confident, and by extension optimistic and productive. Brands sell us products promising this exact thing; if we use this, wear this, eat this, do this, we will immediately be confident. We’re so used to it it’s like the background noise of our life as we scroll through social media. This breeds toxic positivity where we dismiss our negative emotions with empty reassurances such as:
Always look at the bright side!
Everything happens for a reason.
Failure is not an option.
Think happy thoughts.
Good vibes only.
Stop being so negative!
It could be worse.
This makes us feel disconnected and ungrounded from the reality that we feel bad because our situation is bad. We can’t seem to move forward or change, and then we get stuck.
My therapist said that the best way to regain confidence in ourselves and how we handle our problems is to be effective. Being effective is being successful in producing a desired or intended result. Note that he doesn’t use the word “productive” - he uses the word effective. If we do something right, then we feel that spark of confidence, and the more we do it we feed that spark and turn it into fire. This doesn’t have to be work-related; you can be effective at a hobby, or a relationship, or getting out of a bad habit. It can be something as simple as not eating that snack or not watching another episode on Netflix. It could be speaking to at least one friend a day.
The key is to be mindful of our actions and be clear about what we want to achieve. Journaling or even simply just listing down what you would like to be efficacious at helps a lot! Then, once you achieve your desired result, reward yourself with something nice. This will train your brain to look forward to doing it again.
I am in a much better mental state because of this. I started journaling again and signed up for a personal trainer at the gym. The latter is a huge step for me as I’ve never gone to work out in a gym! But I’m glad I started. I know you can too.
