Letter From The Editor: There is no such thing as perfect

When I was younger I believed with all my heart that if things were not perfect, they were worthless. It started when I’d watch shampoo commercials with beautiful women bearing only shiny, straight hair. Comparing my curly, frizzy hair with it - often described as the enemy in those commercials - made me hate my hair with a passion. I was seven or nine. I almost poured boiling hot cooking oil on my head thinking that’s how hot oils worked. Luckily I didn’t but that’s only because the plastic container melted.

It continued well into adulthood, this desire to fit into a specific mold in order to be considered worthy. I would never post unflattering photos of myself or choose clothes that could possibly make me look fat. I posed carefully and took so many photos before I can be happy with one. I developed what I suspect is body dysmorphia, although I still haven’t had it properly diagnosed by my therapist. This is something I still struggle with. Not as often now, fortunately, but there are days when I’d wake up and wonder why is it that I’m so fat despite my efforts. I know fat is beautiful but there are three decades of my family members commenting on my weight weighing on me.

I’ve talked about empowerment a lot here at Project Vanity in the last thirteen years. And yet, there are still so many things to learn about how we can become fully empowered individuals. I feel like recently, I’ve began to undrstand a piece of the puzzle, and it’s this.

There is no such thing as perfect.

Empowerment is, in its most basic sense, the act of gaining power. Power over our environment, power over our relationships, power over our life in general. There is also power over ourselves. We are often our own worst enemies and critics. The way we talk to ourselves can be casually cruel in a way that only we can wound us. But where is this coming from?

My belief is that it’s because we expect nothing less than perfection from ourselves. Of course the reality is that we are far from perfect, and we are aware of this reality, but are we aware of our impossible level of expectations? How many times have we been deeply disappointed because things didn’t go exactly the way we wanted? How many times did we not try at all because the timing is not “right”, or things just don’t feel “right”? How many times do we compare ourselves with others we believe have the life we deserve?

Many, many times. Countless times. Not only is it exhausting, but we don’t realize how soul-crushing it is to constantly be living what we think is a “less than” life.

What I came here to tell you is this: there is no such thing as perfect, now or later. The only thing that we can have and truly control is what we have now. It might not be our perfect snow globe but it is something that we have worked for and accomplished so far. And it is worth something. What you’ve done is worth something. You’re worthy of love and appreciation along with all your “imperfections”.

I’m not saying we should give up and settle. I believe that we should always work to better ourselves and others around us, according to purpose we find meaningful, because therein lies a happy life. What I’m saying is that expecting perfection is a sure path to misery. I guarantee that you will never achieve it, because it is the human condition to always want more. You might as well want what you have while you have what you want.